Following a series of catastrophic cellular meltdowns, the Victorian Government officially announced a $3 billion infrastructure upgrade Thursday to replace the state’s entire digital telecommunications network with thousands of kilometres of tin cans and string - a system officials confirmed is already significantly more reliable than Telstra.
"We’ve realised that analog tin-can technology is the only viable method to future-proof the state," explained Jacinta from Bendigo, speaking to reporters while frantically pulling a piece of kitchen twine taut over the Great Dividing Range.
"From today, if a doctor in Mildura needs to contact a surgeon in Melbourne, a nurse just has to shout directly into a recycled Milo tin. It is completely immune to national server outages, and frankly, it provides a level of bandwidth consistency Telstra simply cannot match."
Despite the government's optimism, Jacinta from Bendigo conceded that the new tech could face minor disruptions if a wedge-tailed eagle perches on the string near Horsham, or if a gardener in Geelong accidentally clips the main interstate line with a Victa lawnmower.
