In a development few in Canberra saw coming - aside from anyone who has ever met a teenager — the federal government’s new under-16 social media ban has reportedly sparked the rise of a thriving underground economy: teenagers willing to reset their parents’ Facebook passwords in exchange for $50, a Zooper Dooper and a lift to a mate’s place “but not right to the door, just drop me around the corner.”
Locals say the chaos began almost immediately after the ban took effect, when thousands of parents nationwide realised their primary household IT departments had effectively been cut off.
“These kids aren’t even trying to hide it,” Nintenda Game-boye said. “We’ve got 14-year-olds rocking up to Bunnings car parks with USB sticks and a packet of Sour Patch Kids, shaking down desperate mums who just want access to their community buy-swap-sell page.”
“It’s ridiculous,” said Quarry Hill dad Ben Hartley, who paid his son $20 and a lift to a friend’s place in Kangaroo Flat to regain access to Facebook so he could complain about the McIvor Road roadworks. “I used to tell him to get off his phone. Now I’m basically his client.”
One 15-year-old suspect, known on the streets as “Jordan From Year 9,” is believed to be running a password-reset ring out of his kitchen, charging a flat fee of $75 or a lift.”
He denied any wrongdoing.
“I’m just helping the community,” Jordan told reporters while being escorted from their home in handcuffs. “If the government didn’t want this to happen, maybe they should’ve made Facebook easier for old people. Or ban Facebook for everyone over 50. Honestly, that’d solve half the problems.”
“I’m already down $150,” said Ballarat mum Malice Pratt. “If the government doesn’t overturn the ban, I’m going to have to start selling Tupperware or Avon again.”
The federal government said it will “monitor the situation closely,” which experts believe is political code for “we didn’t think this through at all.”
