This Week's Horoscopes with Madame Clawdia Whiskerstone.
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The wall has been talking about you, and this week, you find out what it said. Bark at the wall until it confesses. If it stays silent, that is also a confession.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
They changed the food, and they want you to move on like that is something you are capable of. Sit in front of the bowl and stare into the middle distance until the correct biscuits are located and returned.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will think of something incredible, run into the other room and be unable to remember what it was, but honestly, the running was great.
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your owner will look at their phone for an unacceptable stretch of time without once showing you what is on it. You will sit directly on the phone and go completely limp when they try to move you.
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You have already done the structural analysis on the bin. This week you will execute. You will wait until they leave the room, wait a little longer and then go absolutely berserk on that bin. Everything inside it will be yours. It will be glorious, but it will also be a significant mess.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will swim past the little castle and it will be the most incredible thing you have ever seen. You will swim past it again 8 seconds later and it will be the most incredible thing you have ever seen. This will happen approximately 600 times throughout the week. Every single one will feel like the first. You are the happiest animal in the solar system and the stars are genuinely a little jealous.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are seeking balance, but it is hard when one paw holds a chew toy and the other a stolen sock. Romance is possible, but only if you and the dog next door agree on what music to howl along to when sticking your heads out of the car window during the drive-through.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are spicy this week. Jealousy and passion will bubble over like a hot coffee from 7-Eleven. Resist the urge to stalk the neighbourhood cat through the fence, as they are not worth your energy. Instead, invest that effort into barking wildly at the postman with your crew.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You have got the travel bug, but because your owner cannot afford Bali, a trip to the local park will have to do the trick. Keep barking until they get the hint.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Hard work pays off unless your owner is a flog. This week, you will be tempted to fake a limp and spend the day sleeping in a sunbeam with zero responsibilities. You should do it, because you deserve it, legend.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You are a visionary, which means you have had a genius idea to turn a muddy puddle into a luxury day spa. Run with it. The humans might not understand you, but that is only because they are cowards.
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your emotions are deeper than the puddle at the dog park on a rainy Sunday. You will reconnect with someone from your past, whether it is a lost tennis ball or the stray cat from down the road. Either way, trust your gut. If your gut says to raid the bin for leftover roast chicken, do it.
