Witnesses confirmed that early this morning, Jessica Brennan's New Year's Eve kiss was so uncomfortable that it tainted her 2025 and has ruined all of 2026 before it even began.
The 32-year-old marketing coordinator reportedly locked lips with coworker Todd Beaver at approximately 12:00:27 a.m. at Federation Square, weirding out partygoers.
"There was way too much tongue, and they kept tilting their heads," said Jessica's bestie, Amber Chen. "Their faces were pressed together, neither of them pulled back. It was awkward as hell."
Jessica has replayed the moment ad nauseam like a horny earworm.
The dread of encountering Todd Beaver at work has already rendered 2026 emotionally uninhabitable.
