It's 42 degrees. Your undies are cooked. Welcome to swamp ass season.
What was once just a minor annoyance for tradies and festival-goers has gotten much worse. Local hospitals report record numbers of chafing complaints, and one GP called the region's conditions "absolutely cooked."
The combination of no coastal breeze, relentless sun, and enough asphalt to fry an egg has created what one meteorologist called "Stage 5 Crack Humidity." He asked not to be named.
"It's bad," said Dr Colin Matthews, a climate researcher. "Sticky inner thighs. Fabric sticking to skin. People are getting chairs stuck to them. I've seen the photos. This is a crisis."
A café owner on Hargreaves Street said she removed all her vinyl seats last week.
"One bloke stood up, and the chair came with him," she said. "He almost knocked over a table."
Council has suggested a "Crack Cooling Station" at Hargreaves Mall, which would be a misting tent for your lower half. There's no update yet on whether it will go ahead.
Taints, meanwhile, are copping the worst of it. One expert called them "the most humid places in regional Victoria."
"I stepped outside for five minutes and my undies fused to my body," said tradie Jim McAllister, fanning his groin with a Bunnings catalogue. "It's a full-blown ecosystem down there."
Lake Weeroona has become an unofficial cooling spot. Dozens of locals were seen wading in yesterday, ignoring health warnings.
"I don't care what's in here," said Darren Mitchell from Golden Square as he lowered himself into the water. "I'd rather risk an infection."
At press time, "swamp ass Bendigo" was trending online. Authorities warned people not to click on the images.
