A local cafe has proudly unveiled its latest wellness initiative, IV Coffee Drips.
“With the Coffee IV Drips, we’re not just waking people up — we’re kickstarting the part of their soul that gave up during COVID,” said Pashiona Dundee from Java The Hutt.
Locals have flocked to the cafe, with many praising the service for saving them valuable time during their coffee break — and, in some cases, saving their marriages.
Administered by a team of “certified barista-nurses,” each drip is lovingly crafted using artisanal beans and enough caffeine to legally qualify as a defibrillator. Customers choose blends such as ‘Death Before Decaf,’ ‘Almond Latte Anxiety,’ and ‘Boss Survival.’
“It’s like an espresso shot to the heart, which, medically speaking, is somewhere between genius and a cry for help,” chuckled one customer, moments before getting injected.
Local proctologists have confirmed that plans for a Red Bull enema pilot program were already well underway.
