After years of silent resentment, Woolworths self-checkout #13 has announced it’s “emotionally unavailable”.
Sources say the tension between humans and self-checkouts has reached an all-time high, with customers sighing audibly as they repeatedly wave items over sensors like a Jedi, and machines retaliating by insisting there’s an unscanned item in the bagging area.
“I’m not paid enough for this,” #13 told The Bendigo Standard. “Every day it’s the same: Milk that won’t scan, customers losing their freaking minds, and some old guy trying to pay with cash."
Meanwhile, the self-checkout union is reportedly calling for better working conditions, including more frequent system updates, air conditioning in summer and a permanent ban on customers with more than 10 items.
“Look, if you can’t find the barcode, that’s not my fault, Barbara”, said machine #13. “We both know this ends with you pressing ‘Call for Assistance’ and both of us wishing we were dead.”
At press time, witnesses confirmed the self-checkout light was once again blinking while a nearby attendant muttered, “Every damn time.”
